


All This and Heaven Too

by FragmentOfPossibility



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Constructive Criticism Welcome, M/M, Major Spoilers, Minor Angst, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Porn, Post-Episode: c02e097 The Fancy and the Fooled, Shadowgast, Smut, Spoilers, episode 97 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23012467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FragmentOfPossibility/pseuds/FragmentOfPossibility
Summary: If I am damned, let me choose to leave this world with the taste of him on my lips, and the feel of his body against mine. And let this night be enough to change something for the better, even if it's only his memories of me…
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 10
Kudos: 289





	All This and Heaven Too

**Author's Note:**

> I have less than 48 hours to live this fantasy, and figured I'd share it with the world before these hands go down with this ship.

_And the heart is hard to translate_   
_It has a language of its own_   
_It talks in tongues and quiet sighs_   
_And prayers and proclamations_   
_In the grand days of great men,_   
_And the smallest of gestures_   
_In short, shallow, gasps._

_All This and Heaven Too - Florence + The Machine_

* * *

**WARNING:**

Major Spoilers for Campaign 2, Episode 97: The Fancy and The Fooled. 

* * *

The silence was deafening.

The rest of the Mighty Nein had left - discretely, pointedly, awkwardly, or some combination of the above, leaving Caleb and Essek alone. Not that Essek truly thought this was the case. Jester seemed genuine in her desire to return to the party, something to do with leaving her 'mama' behind with all those 'creepy guys', and it was likely Beau and Fjord deigned to accompany her. Yasha had probably departed only long enough to arm and armor herself, and was now patiently waiting in the nearby vicinity to deliver the execution Essek rightly deserved. Doubtless she would have to beat Nott, or perhaps more accurately _Veth_ to the act. Essek was fairly certain the goblin-turned-halfling was lurking about nearby, invisible and poised to strike if she felt her Caleb was in any danger.

Such was the nature, of having _friends_.

"…" Essek stared at the floorboards of the ship, knowing himself to be a broken man. How could he not recognize it in himself, when he had pushed so many others to this state in service to the Dynasty? No, that wasn't true. He was done lying about his supposed allegiance, especially to himself. How many others had he pushed to this state, through violence and extortion and other torturous means in service to _himself_? It had always been about him. About furthering his studies, his goals, his ambition.

Until it wasn't. Until things _changed_ , and Light burn him he found himself _wanting_ to be the man the Mighty Nein thought he was. Someone reliable, generous, someone worth calling a friend. Ironic, that his betrayal of their trust came before he had earned it, before it had mattered to him. It seemed as though Damnation was not without its sense of humor, to show Essek just how far his machinations reached. As a self-proclaimed dunamis prodigy, he should’ve realized this possibility.

"I.… I thought what I was doing was right…" Essek began, needing to break the silence of the room and the litany of his own thoughts.

"I know." Caleb’s voice was soft, anguished. It made Essek flinch, the understanding and compassion.

"I thought it was _worth_ it."

"I know."

"I thought, I thought I was willing to pay any price to get what I wanted."

"I know."

Essek stood abruptly, hands clenched. "And I was _wrong_." Essek said, lifting his head to look at Caleb. "I was _wrong_ , Widogast, because… because you are _here_ , and that was not _part of the plan_." He wanted the words to sound angry, petulant, to blame the Mighty Nein for getting themselves involved, for being people who he liked. Instead he sounded… wounded. Overwhelmed. His eyes began to burn with a sensation he barely recognized. "I never wanted to find my _better self_."

Caleb moved, causing Essek to flinch. He wasn't sure what he expected. No, that was wrong. He knew what he expected, and braced himself for the admonishment that he knew was coming. To show restraint, Essek. To control yourself, Essek. That it simply was not done, Essek. All the persistent, indisputable reprimands of his youth, the constant reminders that he was young, and ignorant, and had still had so much to learn about what it meant to be a _proper_ member of his Den and his Dynasty. It never came. Instead, Caleb wrapped his arms around Essek, pulling him for a fierce hug.

Startled, Essek let himself be pulled close. It was… strange. Warm. Sheltering, without being restrained. It felt… nice, which didn't seem right. Hadn't Caleb been listening? Why? Why… why was he still willing to be Caleb's… friend?

And then to his uttermost shame, Essek began to cry.

The minute his body began to betray him, he tried to control it. Failing that, he tried to mask it, pressing his face hard against Caleb's chest so if the wizard looked down, he would be unable to see his face. He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to breath evenly through his nose, steeling his shoulders to keep his body from shaking as the tears rolled from his eyes and absorbed themselves into the soft fabric of Caleb's jacket.

It didn't work, of course. If there had been distance between the two of them, if Essek had been able to turn his back to the wizard… perhaps. But Essek had never held someone as they cried before. Essek had never _been_ held as he cried, at least that he could remember. He had no way of knowing that every attempt he made to disguise his pain shouted volumes to the one holding him.

"It's alright," The words floated somewhere above his head, rumbled in the soft, warm chest beneath him that shifted slightly, not to push him away or strike him for being unable to master his emotions, but instead to hold him just a little bit more tightly, as though trying to take the burden of Essek's guilt and shame and growing horror at the consequences of his actions before they consumed him. "I'm here. It's alright."

Essek gasped sharply at the words, a desperate gulp of air as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying so so so hard to keep his body from shaking at the depth of his emotions. And failing miserably. _Again_. Just as he failed to manipulate the Mighty Nein away from his duplicity. Just as failed to keep them at distance, to keep his thoughts and actions pragmatic so it would be easy to rid himself of the relationship when it began to jeopardize his plans. Just as he failed to protect them from the looming ramifications if they were discovered.

He failed them. All of them. Again, and again and again. Most of all, he failed Caleb, the man currently holding him. Essek remembered the pain he had seen in Caleb's eyes. The suffering, the self-loathing… And he had _praised_ the wizard for it, _lauded_ how the experience must have prepared Caleb for the worst, how _capable_ it must have made him. He spoke of Caleb's pain with _pride_ , as he worked with the very people who had caused the pain to begin with. And now… now he understood what he had seen in Caleb's eyes. Perhaps only a fraction of it, and yet…

"It hurts," Essek whispered, unsure if Caleb could even hear him as he felt his last vestiges of control crumble. And so he wept, unabashedly, seeking comfort and understanding from the very person he had betrayed most of all. His friend, his first _true friend_ , someone who shared his passions and interests and intelligence. Someone that for far too long Essek had been prepared to sacrifice on the altar of his own ambition. Someone he was now desperately clinging to, desperate for the comfort that was being offered. Wracked by guilt and shame, Essek continued to cry until he felt drained of his emotions, detesting himself the entire time. He had no idea how much time passed, but it felt like an eternity and yet still wasn't long enough. How could it ever be enough?

And yet, even his tears ran their course. Slowly his breathing returned to normal, and Essek found himself pressed almost limply against Caleb's chest, held there by the strength of the other man. Essek knew he should feel shamed at needing such support, but that was too much work. It was far easier to selfishly take advantage of Caleb's soothing presence before it was lost to him through no fault but his own. So instead he closed his eyes, lifting his head slightly so he could press it into the hollow of Caleb's neck where the coat was still dry and he could feel the warm of Caleb's skin against his forward, the steady beat of his pulse and the rise and fall of his breath.

"Better?" Caleb asked, his voice still soft. Essek let his breath out in an almost laugh. "I'm not sure…" Essek answered, keeping his eyes closed, content in the darkness, unable to face reality just yet. "I cannot remember the last time I cried…" He admitted, surprised at his own honesty, yet feeling no shame at the admittance. Perhaps this _was_ better. It wasn't _good_ , but not exactly bad, either. He felt… hollow. Drained of the emotions that had been raging inside of him. It left him feeling strangely detached from the situation, but at least it made living with reality a little easier.

"I would like to stay here, for just… a little while longer." Essek added, soaking in the warmth, cherishing these moments before the guilt returned, allowing himself the illusion of feeling whole and wanted and cared for before everything fell to pieces again. It was only a matter of time, after all. He felt Caleb's head turn in a gesture that should have been awkward but only wasn't, as the wizard pressed a kiss to the top of Essek's head.

"You can stay here as long as you need, Essek." Caleb whispered into his hair. Essek felt a sudden flush of warmth at the words, somewhere inside of him, taking root in the place that had recently been purged of all other emotions. And that… _that_ felt good. He wished it would stay there, that gentle glowing sensation. He wished he could keep it safe, nurture it into something beautiful and strange and unknown. It wasn't possible, of course, not after everything he had done, but for now… for now it was enough. As long as he could hold onto this memory, in this lifetime - perhaps the only one he would have, given the circumstances - it would be enough.

It would be selfish too ask for more, and for the first time that he could remember… Essek didn't want to be selfish. "Thank you," was all he said, loosening the grip he had on the front of the Caleb's jacket, letting his hands fall to the sides, before… tentatively, awkwardly, wrapping them loosely around Caleb's waist, if only to try and reciprocate some of the comfort he had been given. Not because it was asked of him, or because he expected anything out of it. Simply because… it felt good. It felt _right_.

Silence reigned once more, but it was a softer silence. A quieter silence, one that Essek felt he could drift away in, to sleep, to death, to a moment in time and space that was only this.

"I wish… I wish I had done more to protect you." Caleb eventually began, his voice still soft. The words shattered the Essek's gentle reverie."I should've known the Assembly would find someone else they could use. Someone else they could exploit to further their ambitions, and you… you are so very good at what you do." Essek didn't want to pull away, but something in Caleb's voice broke through his reverie. Pain, fresh pain, because of… him. No, not now, not here… this was good, this was _right_ , wasn't it? It had to be, and Essek… Essek wouldn't let Caleb turn it into anything else.

"Caleb, I… "

" _I should have known_." The vehemence in his words stopped Essek short. "I could have warned you, prepared you before it got this far…"

Essek silenced him with a kiss. It wasn't much, little more than pressing his lips against Caleb's but… but he didn't know what else to do, didn't really think about what he was doing, only that… that… maybe… maybe, if everything fell apart, he could at least offer Caleb this, whatever this was. That despite it all, everything he had done, that Caleb had done, everything, that the care he held for the Wizard was real, and honest and true and… "I know." He said, echoing Caleb's words from earlier. "I know, and… I am so sorry. I should have… I should have told you. But I didn't. And now, this… whatever this is… I know it can't last. I know that tomorrow… tomorrow everything will be wrong again, but for tonight… for now, for just one moment we can pretend we were both better men. That we were _always_ better men, men who knew how to trust, and to care and _deserved_ to be trusted, and cared for, and… and… "

Caleb silenced him with a kiss. It was a much better kiss than the one Essek had offered, from someone who must have kissed others before because how else would Caleb know to slide his hands up to comb through Essek's hair, to combine affection with control as he steadied Essek's face, holding him captured there as the warm soft pressure continued, faintly moist. _Oh_. All thoughts of blame and betrayal and pretending to be better went straight out of his mind. Essek clutched at Caleb's back, not entirely sure why but it felt right and good and filled him with giddy desire to know what Caleb tasted like, and wondered how… if… _Oooh_. He could feel Caleb's breath against his face as the other man exhaled through his nose, the human's mouth seemingly too busy to concern itself such banal actions as breathing, especially considering the tongue that darted out between those lips to brush against Essek's own. _Yes… yes like that_ … Essek was distantly aware of his lips parting as he tried to voice these thoughts, but surely no words came out. His own lips were preoccupied elsewhere, unable to shape the vibrations emitting from his throat. But Caleb was clever, and he was more than capable of interpreting what such a moan meant, because now his tongue was pressed against Essek's own and _oooooh…._

There must have been some awkwardness. Some fumbling of limbs, some struggling for air, some discord as lips and mouths and hands began to explore something new and different and _wonderous_. Essek doesn't remember. He didn't want to remember. All he wanted to remember was warmth, so much warmth, and that Caleb tasted like… like _Caleb_. There was no other way to describe it. He felt like Caleb and he smelled like Caleb and no, don't stop kissing, don't…. _Ooooh_ … Caleb lips were pressed to the corner of his mouth, the hinge of his jaw, the crook of his neck and…

"Caleb," Essek barely recognized his voice as those lips, Caleb's lips, lips he could now recognize by sight, and shape, and touch and taste moved against the column of his neck. Essek didn't remember when his hands slid into the silken softness that was Caleb's hair, his fingers combing through strands like woven fire, and ah, yes, there, right, right _there_ , Essek pressed his hands against the back of Caleb's skull, remembering the lesson of only moments, minutes?, earlier, that yes, he could keep Caleb right _there_ , right below his ear, just a little… _oohh_ , where those teeth? Ahhh, yes, yes and yes and yes and _oh_ …

Essek moved his hips, mindless to the movement. He was not ignorant to such desire, such needs, but previously he had handled them as he had handled everything else that required someone to understand him… by himself. But Caleb was here, Caleb knew him, understood him, and would surely wish to accomplish the same thing. The moan that interrupted the wonderful sensations against his neck must have been affirmation, and Essek would have been disappointed that Caleb had decided to stop kissing him if he didn't feel the wizard’s hands tighten on his waist and ahhh… yes, even better. Essek could only gasp, and moan, and whisper Caleb's name as the wizard forced his hips still, instead using them as leverage as he ground his own body against Essek's. Yes, _yes_ , this was much better than senseless thrusting. He could feel Caleb through the delightful friction of the fabric, and yet couldn't predict exactly where the next source of pressure would and that it made it oh so nice…

"You are…" The words were little more than a breath, but Essek was still impressed. Light knows that he couldn't string even two words together, let alone a coherent thought. "So beautiful, and so _deserving_ of more than what this world has given to you and I… " Those lips were back against Essek's own, puncturing the words that were spoken with kiss after kiss after kiss. "Would like, very much, to be the one, to give it you." Essek knew what was being offered, and knew what Caleb wanted; agreement, acknowledgement, consent, some verbal confirmation that Essek would very much like to take whatever comfort Caleb had to give, to try and offer it in return. And yet, he couldn't say yes. Yes was not the right word for what Essek felt, what Essek wanted. There was a better word, something that could convey the desperate need Essek was feeling, the desire to take one last leap of faith into something strange and unknown that he didn't know he was missing but now, now felt like it was the only thing that mattered…

"Please…"

It was enough. It was more than enough. It was all that was necessary for Caleb to lead him elsewhere, away from the comfortable space where Essek had barred his soul, somewhere private, just for the two of them, truly this time. Essek wondered whether or not the rest of the Mighty Nein were still present, if they were aware of what was happening and instead of feeling worried or ashamed or self-conscious at the prospect he found himself feeling strangely amused at the notion that they might be listening at the keyhole, arguing in heated whispers over who was doing what to whom…

Such was the nature, of having _friends_.

But there was no more time to think of others, no mental capacity for anyone or thing other than Caleb. The room was dark, the bed small, the air filled with briny scent of sea water and it was _perfect._ When Essek had first humored the notion of intimacy, it was nothing like this. It would be in his tower, his bed, and he would be in firm control of the situation but oh, this… this was _so much better_ than he would have imagined. The scratchy feeling of thick woolen blankets such a delightful contradiction to the warm, soft, smoothness of Caleb's skin. The narrow bed left no room for separation, no room for distance as they shed clothing, desperately kissing and touching and grasping at affection they had both been denied for far, far too long. Denied from others, denied to each other, but now… now it was just the two of them, and Caleb's skin was so smooth, and so soft, except the parts of him that _weren't_ , scarred and torn which only made Essek want to touch and kiss and soothe those parts even more…

His torso, lean, travel worn, the prickly feeling of his body hair… Essek found himself nuzzling his face the small curls on Caleb's chest, marveling at the unexpected texture and drawing a small startled laugh from the other wizard. Essek found himself smiling in return, relishing these small pleasures as much as the passionate ones. All of it, all of _him_ was so good. The scent, the _taste_ of salt-slicked skin … Essek couldn't get enough. Stripped bare, warm limbs sliding against warm limbs, sensitive to every touch and being touched everywhere. Essek felt no shame. No, not here, not now…

 _If I am damned_ , Essek thought silently as Caleb captured his lips in another kiss, his body flush against him, groping and gliding and oh so good, _let me choose this. Let me choose to leave this world with the taste of him on my lips, and the feel of his body against mine. And let this night be enough to change something for the better, even if it's only his memories of me…_

Caleb moved, rolling his hips against Essek's and even those thoughts were chased from his mind. Essek could only gasp, arching his body into the movement. Yes, and yes, and yes… Caleb's cock, pressed against his own, thick and velvet smooth, nestled in auburn curls a few shades darker than the fiery strands elsewhere. Essek wanted to touch it, _taste_ it, just like every other inch of Caleb's body but _oohh, don't stop_ …

Essek let out what in a less refined man might have been a grunt, dissatisfied as Caleb pulled away, hands temporarily occupying themselves with something other than Essek. "Shhh…" Caleb hushed, voice amused, hands returning and this time slick with something, a scent of sweetness in the air as warm, calloused hands began stroking Essek. The drow felt his body arching again, hands reaching up to tangle in that bright red hair rendered dim in the darkness. "C-Caleb," Essek gasped, he groaned, his hips bucking in rhythm to the strokes, again and again and again and _, oh_ … "Māra, **_queme_** …" Essek begged, the words tumbling from lips in a language Caleb didn't speak but could still understand. It was the language of need, of want, of begging as Essek shuddered, hips snapping into the warm, slick, grip around his cock as he pulled Caleb close, kissing and licking and nipping at every inch of flesh he could get his hands on until it was all too much, every sense was full of Caleb, Caleb, Caleb… taste, and sound, and scent, and touch, and ooooh… sight, until everything inch Essek seemed to tense, his eyes fluttered shut, mouth opening in a wordless shout as the warmth that had been nestled in his chest pulled in his stomach, lower and brighter and burning, _oh…_

For a moment, for an eternity there was nothing, only pleasure the curled in his loins and then poured from him with every jerk, every thrust, every spasm of his body. A new scent, a familiar scent, and a new thick, moistness between the fingers that gripped him. Essek felt himself flush, panting as his body continued to jerk, nerves buzzing, hypersensitive to everything.

Caleb. Caleb, Caleb, Caleb…

Eternity passed, and with it Essek's consciousness of the wizard propped above him, panting softly, and Essek could _feel_ the brush of movement as Caleb turned his ministrations to himself. No, oh... Oh no… Essek tried to gather himself, but it was oh so hard. He wanted, he wanted… fingers twitching, mind a blur he reached for Caleb, letting out a soft moan as he _felt_ Caleb touching himself, his own fingers running overtop the other wizard's, trying to explain without words that he wanted… he wanted… Caleb gasped, and let out a low stuttering moan as he released himself, freeing Essek to grasp the human's pulsating organ, a sharp contrast to the soft, almost sigh the drow gave at getting what he wanted.

Wrapping his own fingers, slender, carefully maintained fingers around Caleb's cock, Essek did his best to explore while trying to please this man, this glorious man above him. Yes, a tighter grip, short quick jerks of his wrists, fast, faster… Essek glorified in _feeling_ Caleb respond to his ministrations, the way his breath would hitch and his hips would jerk with more force when he did something just _right_ … When he discovered that Caleb liked it when Essek panted against his ears, when one hand squeezed the base of his cock while the other stroked faster and faster… And then it was Caleb's turn to gasp, to moan, to mutter words that Essek didn't understand, but said in the language of love and desire and pleasure that yes, yes, yes… and with one last shudder Caleb tensed, the rest of his body going taunt and still as the cock pulsed, and Essek felt a flush of triumph in the afterglow of his own orgasm as the wizard came, came because of Essek, because Essek made him feel good…

Silence again. But a different kind of silence, filled with heavy breathing that eventually began to slow, sweat covered flesh that eventually began to cool… Caleb slumped against him, and Essek hissed at the press of Caleb's loins against his still-too sensitive cock, but quickly amended what might have been considered a sound of discomfort by wrapping his arms around Caleb once more. No, no, no… don't leave, it's fine. Unexpected, but fine. Caleb seemed to understand the words Essek failed to speak, slowly, carefully shifting himself into a slightly more comfortable position. They were both sticky, covered in body fluids and doubtless should make some effort to clean themselves up, but Essek's limbs still felt like liquid; mind, body, heart and soul reluctant to let this moment end and return to the darkness that was reality beyond this safe little corner of their shared existence.

Essek wished he could say something profound, apologize again for what he had done, for what still must be done, something to make it all right. But it wouldn't be enough, would never be enough. But perhaps… perhaps this pain could change into something better, something that hurt because he was cared for, and he cared in return, and it was the price he had to pay to feel… to feel… to feel _loved_.

Essek trembled at the thought, curling up against Caleb as though seeking warmth. Caleb let him, flinging an arm around them, finding it far easier to ignore the mess they had made. "I would…" Essek paused, correcting himself, "May I stay here? For…" For a little while longer, for tonight, forever… Essek felt his throat grow tight, unable to define how long this moment could last, when what he wanted was for it to never end.

"You can stay here as long as you need."


End file.
